This past week I spent in New York City, the place where I’ve lived the longest in my life and that I in some ways still call home. I went for both business and pleasure. Without doing some business I didn’t feel I could justify leaving my 3 kids at home with my husband and puppy.
I had 5 glorious days of visiting my old stomping grounds, as well as dear friends and business associates. Upon returning however, I had a blow-out fight with my husband. In our 10 years of marriage, probably one of the top 3. He was angry about a myriad of things, but mainly that I went because I wanted to do my ¨own thing,¨ and that perhaps I really didn’t want this family life after all. There was a lot more to the fight, BUT I came away with a few insights…
· It’s a mother bitch to reconcile your own freedom and family
· The motherload of parenthood easily falls on the mother – and it can be a heavy one
· Sometimes I just want to feel free, but I can’t anymore, because I’m not
It couldn’t be farther from the truth that I don’t want to be with my husband.
I thought a lot about him while in NYC, but him little gifts I knew he would like. That said, I noticed that running Family Inc somewhere must feel terribly constricting to me, or else you wouldn’t see me act like a cow let out of the barn in spring when I get to go to NYC!
As exciting and freedom inspiring as NYC is, I found myself completely sure about my choice to marry Z and have a family with him. When my husband insinuated that we really could just call it quits if this marriage-and-family-thing didn’t work for me, I just cried. I wept for 2 days – but in his presence. And then we talked. And talked and talked. Although I was a ¨good girl¨ in New York (no girl gone wild here), I realized that I had left him in doubts about my commitment to him. His vulnerability and openness made me cry even more and I fell in love with him all over again.
Together we saw that it’s time to write the Vows 2.0. Those that include personal freedoms without leaving the other party decimated or insecure. And in my case, that I have to get PRESENT to how much I love my husband. He jokingly introduces me as his Jaded Wife, and I understand why. In the midst of our day-to-day I often treat him like just a business partner who’s helping me make the machine run.
We got extra help with the kids over the weekend, and then just spent time with each other, being close and affectionate, and I can’t remember when I last felt this in love with him.
· Wo/man – if you are not feeling the flutters for your partner, carve out some personal space/time away
· Get present to your love – we talked about when we first noticed we had fallen in love with the other person- do that as well
· TALK about what the other person needs to feel safe when you are not together, especially if you’re not having a shared, impactful experience
Does this resonate? Do you feel trapped? What do you do to shake it? Reply below